Ze Germans & (stereotypical) me ...

OK I admit it. I’m English. 

It’s hard to deny when you hear me talk. I can get away with it quite easily on here. You can hide your accent on a blog. But as soon as I open the old cake-hole the cat leaps from the bag and legs it. I’m from Manchester in the north-west of England. Everyone has a funny accent up there. It’s got something to do with all the rain, I think. 

I went for Yum Cha at Manly Phoenix one lunchtime and I ordered some dUck  (with a very heavy emphasis on the U...as in yUk). The waitress stared at me blankly. I repeated “dUck”. She was still blank. Blanker than blank. So I did the natural thing. I stood up and made like a dUck. Fully. With elbows flapping, and accompanying quacking. I was very clearly a dUck. (Or perhaps a chicken). The poor lady was mystified. I didn’t blame her. Some idiot was standing flapping his elbows and quacking in front of her on a Thursday lunchtime. Picky intervened. She ordered some duck (pronounced 'dAck') for the table, and I sat down.

Picky is German. Fully. 100% from top to toe. Mind you, she speaks better English than me and she can order duck or 'dAck' perfectly at Yum Cha on a Thursday lunchtime. But that’s the German’s all over. Ze bloody Germans!

The thing is that we’re not supposed to get on, ‘us’ English and ‘them’ Germans. There’s the small matter of a couple of world wars & the far larger matter of a football World Cup to get over first - and those things aren’t easily traversed. Especially the World Cup. (1966. England won 4 - 2. Geoff Hurst scored ‘that’ goal. See YouTube. The English have NEVER forgotten it. Even the ones who weren’t born in 1966 remember it like they were there. There’s a small part of the English brain called the ‘1966 World Cup Thalmus’. Or something. We all have it. All 40million of us English - not the Welsh, Scots or Irish, they don't have it).

And then of course there’s the beach towels. More accurately, there’s the Germans and their damn beach towels.

Whenever you go on holiday the Germans are famous (infamous, even) for getting up at the crack of dawn for the sole purpose of leaving their enormous beach towels on the best chairs and beds in the best spots around the pool. Or on the beach. That’s the Germans for you. Efficient, ordered, clean, regimented and obsessed with bagging the best bits of the beach.

Picky’s parents were with us recently. Hagen and Karola. They’re the best parents-in-law known to man. Well this man anyway. They visit us in Sydney every year. One morning, on their most recent visit, we were driving along the beachfront at Manly. They noticed a neat row of towels spread out along the grass in front of the beach...the towels were clearly snagging the best positions for the New Year's eve firework display, with just enough shade to protect the towel-owners from the harsh Sydney sun. 

Ha ha. How ironic! A car-load of Germans spot their fellow countrymen (and women) doing what they do best! Ze Germans were, in a word, busted, up to their old tricks again! Caught red-handed.

& then Hagen said something to Picky & Karola in German (they do that, those German speakers). I asked what he said and Picky told me he said, “I see the English are in town”.

I was stunned. The English! Ze English! We...they...us...? Beach towels? No way. WE DON'T DO THAT. Do we?

We spent breakfast, including the 2 or 3 coffees we knocked back after the poached eggs had long gone, discussing national stereotypes. Here’s what I learnt from Ze Germans...

• German trains RARELY run on time. They are pretty much always delayed, and they are frequently cancelled at the very last minute due to bad weather, or leaves on the track
• Most Germans think that most Germans couldn't organise a drinks party in a brewery. The Germans think that the Germans are disorganised!
• The traffic on German roads is awful. It’s gridlock. Everywhere. The entire German autobahn network is one huge carpark of BMWs, Audis and Merc’s ... all going nowhere fast
• German drivers are angry. In fact they are all - to a T - on the verge of mass road rage. Anything could set them off at any time
• German women detest hairy armpits. In fact, neither Picky nor her mum - or her dad - know a single German woman who has hairy armpits or who wants hairy armpits
• Your average German thinks your average English holidaymaker gets up at the crack of dawn to bag the best spot on the beach

They could just as well have been describing England and the ze English. 

I was stunned.

Stereotypes are silly things, don’t you think? They’re too easy, too simplistic. Lazy really. They mean you don’t have to think. It’s easy for us to sum people up based on assumed national traits, or on how the place they are from is portrayed in the media. It allows us to avoid having to chat to people. We miss out on getting to know them. Stereotypes let us off the hook. They encourage us to 'stick with our own'. How boring is that?! A lifetime of me hanging out with me. Good heavens...NO!

Stereotypes mean that you can lie on your beach towel with your head in the sand without getting to know a single thing about the different people around you. If we choose to do that we had better remember to get our towels out early -  before the Germans get there first. 

Or is it the English?

pip pip

(photo from jaunted.com)